How Kinky Are the Characters of Pride and Prejudice?

BY ICEBERG MAMA

  • Mr. Darcy: At first I wondered if he’d be too repressed, but then I thought no, super kinky. Definitely a dom. Oh, I just pictured him with a riding crop and now I have to go lie down.
  • Elizabeth: This is a tough one. She’s sassy, so I think she’d be creative. She’d be great at sexting, if only it had been invented.
  • Mr. Bingley: I don’t think he’d come up with any ideas of his own, but he’d be willing to try whatever you suggested, and he’d be extremely eager to please. He’d probably be down for pegging if that’s what you were into. He’d be into a threesome, whatever the gender makeup of those involved.
  • Jane: Maybe she wishes Mr Bingley were more inventive, but generally pretty happy as long as she’s getting some. Her own idea of kinky is doing it during her Lady Times week.
  • Mary Bennet: Not kinky at all. She just needs a kindly, indulgent older lady for a life of quiet, godly monogamy.
  • Mr. Wickham: We already know he’s into fifteen year olds. Big old red flag; he likes girls that are easily manipulable.
  • Lydia: She’s fifteen, you perv.
  • Mr. and Mrs. Bennet: Had a fire sex life when they were young, eroded by years of Mrs Bennett’s rightful anxiety over keeping their children out of the poorhouse and Mr Bennett’s general dickishness.
  • Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner: Had a wild & hedonistic youth, went from sex friends to lovers to husband & wife.
  • Caroline: Horrible at sex. Lies there raising a sardonic eyebrow at you and asking “is it in yet?” It’s not her fault; she doesn’t know she’s gay.
  • Mr. and Mrs. Hurst: Secret swingers. You don’t want to know what these freaks get up to.
  • Colonel Fitzwilliam: Vanilla. It’d be okay, but you probably wouldn’t finish-finish, and you’d ignore his texts, I mean telegrams.
  • Charlotte Lucas: Secret dominatrix. Definitely pegs Mr Collins. Let’s face it, the only way anyone would bang Mr Collins is with someone else’s dick.
  • Mr. Collins: Let’s just be grateful the internet wasn’t around back then.

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